I am really embarrassed to admit some of the things I’ve made people do in the past to celebrate my birthday. I don’t really want to get into it, but one involved an Olive Garden with 15 people. The amount of cringing I just did cracked my back.
This is because I am a (recovering) Birthday Bitch. You’ve heard about them: the “birthday months,” the “every year we go to a foreign country for my birthday,” the “drop $100 a person for my dinner,” people. I was definitely guilty of this sort of behavior.
There are many origins for the Birthday Bitch. Mine was that my parents (bless them) did make a big deal out of my birthday. They loved to do it. They started talking about my birthday weeks before it occurred. They always made sure I had plans. They did this for all the people women in my family. I guess it was deemed not masculine to make a big deal out of your birthday? I have a very specific memory of us having a bbq for my brother Vince’s birthday, but when he was on his way over, my parents realized they needed to pick up their new washer at Lowe’s, and made him do it. My mom and I never had to lift a finger, though. We made out like bandits.
Two things came out of this: I became someone who thought this was normal behavior. All through my teens, 20s and…up until this year…I have made a big deal out of my birthday, and hoped everyone around me would follow suit.
The other thing that came out of this that I LOVE to make a big deal out of other people’s birthdays because I saw how much joy it brought my parents to do it for me.
But, like many other things, when you put a lot of pressure on something to be good, it often turns into a “we’re all gonna have a goddamn good time and everyone’s gonna fucking smile” type of event where no one has any fun. I’ve blacked out before midnight on many birthdays because I wanted to “go all out” on this “special day.” I’ve cried at many birthdays. I’ve had to apologize for many birthdays. Last year on my birthday, I started crying at a bar because I had put too much pressure on my birthday to be “good.” Everyone honestly was having a good time, but then I had to go ahead and make it weird, as is my birthday tradition.
Of course, I’ve had some really great birthdays, but what I realized is they’re mostly the ones that were completely out of my control. I remember once I had made plans with some old friends to visit LA in my early 20s and the dates they threw out happened to fall over my birthday. We didn’t know LA at all, so on my birthday, we just went around, ate good food, went to speakeasies, and met RuPaul. You know, typical LA stuff. It was the best because everything just happened. None of it was planned. We had a good day, and it coincided with my birthday.
Jake and I recreated this for my first birthday actually living in LA, and again, roaring success. We randomly booked massages after walking by a spa, ate well, and I happened to get a job offer after months of being unemployed. It all just worked itself out.
My 30th birthday was during the pandemic, so I obviously had to cancel the big extravaganza I had planned. Jake and my friend Mark organized it so all my friends sent in “Sameos,” for me, which where Cameos in the styles of washed up celebrities that I loved?! This is far and away one of the best gifts ever. It was this extremely personal, hilarious thing. I still watch the videos from time to time. And I had no idea it was coming.
My brother (of washer fame) coined a term to me that I think about a lot. I was telling him about a string of good days I was having where nothing remarkable, per say, was going on, but nothing was going wrong. Every day had a sense of tranquility, levity and ease. Little pops of fortune would happen here and there, but it was mostly just bliss. He said “ah, you’re having those Ice Cube days.” It’s a cute lil term that I love, because those are my favorite types of days.
I hope it’s clear: I don’t blame my parents for celebrating my birthday. Oh my god, not at all. I am so happy they made it a big deal then, because it’s not always going to be like that. This is a concept I should have learned much sooner, but birthdays are, in fact, just days. They’re filled with the same capacity to enchant, betray and disappoint like any other day. When you’re a parent, you can make that reality disappear, if just for a day. If you’re a friend or partner of someone whose birthday it is (a role I love to have), you’re able to kind of do the same. Let ‘em know that they’re loved, and that this day, cool stuff can happen—if they just let it.
This year on my birthday, I got COVID. Well, I got it a few days ago to ensure I could do absolutely nothing for it or on it. Jake also has it. We had a lot of plans we had to call off and were very sad to do (some even more important than my birthday! Imagine!) We have spent the past few days watching bad tv, along with good tv and everything in between. We’ve kept things spicy by playing “What are your symptoms?” and “Hey, can you still smell this?” Very intimate to get COVID with a lover.
Last year, I also got COVID right after I had people over for my birthday, so it’s become another weird tradition. Jake had to leave for work while I recovered from COVID, so I felt very lonely, quarantined and powerless. This year, it’s nice to have Jake here and just acknowledge that we’re dwelling in powerlessness, but we’re dwelling together. And that things could honestly be a lot worse. Jake had ordered a birthday cake for me last Saturday, which we’ve eaten every day this week. It’s delicious. It feels like we’re little kids that got left with a cake and $100 to take care of ourselves while our parents went on a cruise.
I had personally promised myself to not to be a Birthday Bitch this year after the great bar freakout of 2022, and then COVID forced me to keep that promise. And honestly, it’s been fine. Easy, even. I don’t feel as sick as I did last year, and the weather has been so nice.
Today, I’m gonna order Postmates for the 8th time this week (the ability to do so is a present enough) and get myself a Big Gulp of Diet Coke, a burrito and NA beers to keep the party going. I’ll sit by our apartment pool with Jake and just let it happen, knowing there are Ice Cube days up ahead.
Stuff I’ve been V into
I can’t stop talking about this movie because it was pretty perfect?! Under 2 hours, great performances, great soundtrack and great shoes. Also, the story of screenwriter Alex Convery’s journey with this movie is very inspiring and will make you love him, Matt and Ben if you don’t already.
Praising You (feat. Fatboy Slim) - Rita Ora
A 90s banger with an even poppier take by the Who? Queen herself, Rita Ora?! I can’t not love this.
Quick Takes:
Bupkis is a 2/10. I’m done defending Pete! Pete’s gonna Pete and this was such average frat boy humor that relies too heavily on cameos! I’m out!
I liked the Mulaney special! I didn’t see the tour live, and I keep hearing it was better than the special, but I thought it did what it needed to do. It’s not my favorite of his, but it’s a recovery special, in every sense of the word.
I think Taylor Swift dating Matty Healy is funny and right on track! Who hasn’t rebounded with someone really weird/gross/problematic after a very serious relationship?! He’s the dark side of her white, British type! Let her experiment and become a fuller person!
Events:
(Barring long, infectious COVID) I’m co-producing and co-hosting VAMP at Bar Lubitsch on May 21 at 8pm! The theme is “Versus,” which means there’s spice and spite sprinkled throughout. Very good storytellers on this show and I would love to see you there! I’m also doing a lil bit up top that I’m very excited about!
I, too, am a Birthday Bitch only now I just make Nate suffer through it. But I 100% wish to leave the country every year. Hope you and Jake feel better so so soon!