It's Not Always Gonna Be Like This
January sucks.
There’s something about January that feels so draining. It feels longer than any other month. Maybe it’s the comedown from the holidays, the shitty weather or my personal track record of failures during this month, but it’s never a month I’m all that excited for. This year has not changed my opinion.
I write this with two bruised lips, a chipped tooth and a gash under my right eye. I wanted to get a second tattoo, but my anxiety stole the moment. When I started sweating bullets, I went out to get some air and my body said “LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR” and I passed out on the sidewalk.
Five days out from that event, it’s funny, embarrassing and inconvenient. All things considered: I am totally fine and very lucky. I didn’t break anything or get a concussion. I’m getting my tooth fixed. Two of my best friends were with me and called Jake, who was ten minutes away. Jake and my friends have all assured me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed. That I have a genetic condition where I will faint from time to time when encountering needles or—weirdly—that air test at the optometrist. I’ve been able to reverse it in the moment for years, but I apparently couldn’t do that at a crowded flash tattoo event (to be fair: a girl did start bleeding right in front of me and that is not reassuring). The real tattoos are the scars we got along the way, right?
Between the time I went outside and woke up with a new face, my friend Bridget literally started and finished her tattoo. When we got to the “we can laugh about it now” part of the night, my friend Emily said “You literally caused more pain to yourself than the tattoo would have.” I wish I didn’t have this condition that causes so much of a scene and prevents me from doing things I want to do, or in the case of blood draws, have to do. I feel so grateful that people I love were there to take care of me. I just wish they didn’t have to.
This is just the latest in a string of unfortunate incidents. Our apartment had to be partially rebuilt due to our upstairs neighbor’s hot water heater leaking into our guest bedroom for months. I backed my car into something, got my car fixed, then got rear-ended the week I got it back. Fortunately, our home wasn’t harmed in the LA wildfires, but we still evacuated and came back to our community in ruin. I could do a whole other post on Trump.
I used to believe in curses, but it’s been too consistent. I think I have to begrudgingly accept this is…life? Life kind of sucks?! What an underwhelming realization. It’s like life is one big tattoo I’m on my way to do, but then I keep passing out.
I keep coming back to this phrase “it’s not always gonna be like this.” I know it’s not a particularly profound adage. It’s basically the same as “this too shall pass” or “it’s always darkest before the dawn.” But I guess I like that it’s not polished, and can be said to imply both positive and negative.
I really felt it when two of my friends and I were out in the summer of 2023. We had a day of drinking and laughing that was so pure and fun. One of those days where you go to a bunch of different locations and somehow something interesting happens at each one. Something that makes you all feel like you’re the stars of a silly little comedy that’s just for the three of you. I thought to myself: “Remember these days, because it’s not always gonna be like this.”
A few months later, my brother passed away. For days after that, we basically did an abbreviated, loose version of sitting Shiva in my brother’s old condo, crying and eating as various family and friends filed in and out. Every time someone dies, it breaks you a different way, but I reminded myself “it’s not always gonna be like this,” because those tear-soaked, sickening, disorienting first days of grief pass. You come back together as a full person. You’re different and have new edges. But it’s rebuilding nonetheless.
Now, when those positive “it’s not always gonna be like this” moments come, I try to sink my teeth (tooth and a half?) in. They’re small moments, but I keep them so close to me. Because there are always going to be dark days. Or just annoying days. Days filled with inconvenience and conversations with insurance companies. Days that I wish I could sleep away. Days filled with delays. Days at the airport. Days where nothing happens and you wonder if that’s your lack of ambition or if this is what rest is supposed to look like and if so, why does it feel so bad?
These types of days are most days. Very few are bangers.
The small moments are so remarkable because they’re rare and unexpected. Like grief, they briefly break you open. Except when you come back together, some edges are smoothed out rather than sharpened. They’re little reminders that life doesn’t always suck.
Instead of including a picture of my current state (bruised lip, chipped tooth, almost comically looking like a person in a movie who got punched in the mouth), I’m going to include this photo. Jake and I were killing time after a really nice brunch with friends. We got two very good cookies from Levain. We went into a store on a whim and Jake said “Would you humor me and try on this hat?” I did, and everyone in the store did a “Wow! Oooh!” like how they do when a woman tries on that outfit in a movie. We bought the hat and I wore it the rest of the day.
Three days later, the fires started in LA.
It’s not always gonna be like this. Cherish what you can and forget the rest.
Ways to help with LA fire relief:
List of GoFundMe’s for people in need of help after the fires. You can also submit your own if need be.
Purchase items for those on the frontlines helping with fire relief.
MUSIC
New Harvest…First Gathering - Dolly Parton
Fittingly, I’ve been listening to “The Light of a Clear Blue Morning” from this album on repeat this week. Every song on this album is a gem, though. It’s a little mix of covers and Dolly originals and it’s just perfect.
dodger blue - Kendrick Lamar, Wallie The Sensei, Siete7x, Roddy Ricch
I…am not always fan of Kendrick Lamar (I know, you hate me now). But, Jake picked this off his new album and said “you’ll love this song.” He was right. LA strong.
🚨New Petey alert!🚨 I never stop talking about him and I never will. Another hit, baby!
BOOKS
Where Are Your Boys Tonight: The Oral History of Emo’s Mainstream Explosion (1999-2008) - Chris Payne
Bridget got me this book for Christmas and it’s been so soothing to read before bed. Rockstar stories are perpetually captivating to me. Emo is kind of funny because there’s a lot of lines in this like “We knew when the boys starting wearing eyeliner, the world changed.” Payne, though he lets subjects talk for too long and is a bit disorganized in parts, does his due diligence to expose the ugly parts of the genre as well, which I appreciated. It gets better as it goes along and gets into how “classic” emo can only be sustained in times of hardship, otherwise it loses its luster.
TV
How to Die Alone
How is Natasha Rothwell so talented?
One more thing!
LA friends: On Feb. 12, I’m going to be in So Say We All’s “u up?” VAMP showcase. I’m doing a lil audit of my kinda long, but full of suspense dating history and how you have to climb slut mountain to reach nirvana.
January is truly the Sunday of months, but worse because it's actually the MONDAY of months as well.