Love is Blind: Ranked from Worst Coworker to Best Coworker
Someone had to do it
When Love is Blind is airing, I really feel like those dudes in movies who turn to their wives and say “Baby, I can’t go to the party after the Christening! It’s fight night!”
I’ve been watching since it aired in 2020 (wild to think that Love is Blind—a show about falling in love with someone by basically having a camera off Zoom meeting with them—was actually conceived in a pre-COVID world). LIB and Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are my sports. The plays. The twists. The roots for sad people to finally get a win. It’s all the same as the athletic culture I’ve mostly avoided, but with a lot more crying and gossip, which are my two favorite activities. Those two activities would honestly make football a lot more fun.
All LIB contestants give off BCE: Big Coworker Energy. I think I feel this because I work in marketing, and coincidentally, so do like half of all LIB contestants. This is probably because marketing is all about presenting the best traits and hiding the rest. Everyone on LIB fails at that last part, though.
Even beyond marketing, what I mean is you’ve met some version of all of these people before, most likely at work. The word I’m probably reaching for is “basic.” But, aren’t we all basic at work? Work is a place where you’re 1/27th of yourself, avoiding any deep conversation for fear of making it “weird” whenever someone Slacks you. So, you’re making small talk for years until one of you realizes you guys have more in common than the employer that pays you. This can sometimes lead to a very long and dope Real Friendship.
If this never happens, though, every coworker is kind of a basic model with one flair. One fun fact that defines them to the rest of coworkers. That guy snowboards. That woman collects spoons. That other guy…has a red car?
On LIB, the contestants are all basic models with one standout (usually insanely toxic) trait. This is by design, thanks to the reality show lens. No one is this basic or toxic IRL. Just like how your coworker with a red car probably has a very exciting personal life full of drugs and orgies that you’ll never know about. But, it makes for a bad work environment to know that. LIB puts forward the idea that everyone is “basic” except for this one horrendo thing that they’re remembered by. Perhaps the contestant will build on that, but everyone goes down in LIB history for one thing.
I’d like to take it back to basics. Who on this season would actually be a good coworker? Let’s get to ranking. From worst to best, here’s who you should consider endorsing on LinkedIn. After going through the LIB machine, they need it.
Jeramey
Dude has never done one thing correctly, but has gotten bailed out a few times because stuff hasn’t been entirely his fault. He loves BSing with the boys and watching Jackass episodes at his desk. Whenever you catch him doing this, he does the clumsiest job of switching over to a spreadsheet. The spreadsheet is labeled “Work Spreadsheet” and does not have anything on it. Multiple women in the office have hooked up with him and always consider it a wake up call to get their lives together. He sends Slack messages that say “Hi 👋”
Sarah Ann
Classic “what does she do here?” You think she might be a nepo hire. She comes in late every day and is super unpleasant when you ask her to send something over. She once said during a meeting that this “doesn’t concern her” and left, only to act super put out when she wasn’t informed of something that was said in that meeting. She is rude to everyone except this one guy everyone agrees is Office Hot. She suspiciously called out of work on January 6th. She ate your lunch on more than one occasion.
Chelsea
Chelsea cries at her desk a lot. She’s tried to blame her mistakes on you, and pretty much everyone else at least once. She said she would have gotten “exceeds expectations” on her review last year, but no one gave her the chance. She had a really messy hookup with a coworker that she thinks is private but everyone knows about it. She writes what her PTO is for on the PTO calendar. Once, it said “dog birthday party.”
Laura
Laura is not good at her job, but she is good at telling people she’s good at her job. She loves talking. She talks just to say she saw a message. She talks just to say she’s talking to someone about potentially talking to someone else. She doesn’t know any of the shows anyone is talking about. She turned up at the company Christmas party, but in a bad way. She busts out wine every Friday in the breakroom. Her desk is a mess.
Trevor
Trevor has loud guy privilege. People think he is smart because he is loud and big. He has never had an original idea, but he voices every trend he’s ever seen as his own. He goes wild when your company gets tickets to a baseball game. His desk is disgusting and has had the same open bag of chips there since he started.
Jessica
Jessica is really good at corporate America. She crosses those corporate t’s and dots those corporate i’s. She uses “circle back” and “sync.” She mostly gets along with everyone, except Sarah Ann because she doesn’t find her professional. You have no idea what Jessica does, but she’s always getting promoted. If a gust of wind touches her desk and messes it up in any way, she’s pissed for the rest of the day.
Kenneth
Y’all are not having any good conversation ever with Kenneth, but he gets his work done and people seem to be impressed. He’s asked you where you’re from about eight times. He’s high up and golfs with the CEO. His desk is void of personality except for a Michael Scott Funko doll, which might as well be nothing.
Clay
Clay is high up, despite every conversation with him being a chore. He loves to hear himself talk. Whenever you ask for his opinion on something, he says a lot, but it boils down to “whatever you think is best” after ten minutes of speaking. He got drunk at the Christmas party and told you he doesn’t think he’ll ever find love because he’s been “fucked from the jump.” He has never said anything below the surface to you again. He doesn’t have a desk because he’s always meeting clients.
Amy
Amy is a blast to get stuck with on the ride to the retreat. She’s subtle, but funny. She tells stories about coworkers without seeming gossipy or having ulterior motives. She just tells you things because they’re true, and that’s refreshing. She asks questions about you. She’s very pleasant. She is a Disney adult, and her desk reflects that. But other than that, she’s chill.
Johnny
Johnny is pleasant enough. You always think you’re going to have a really good conversation with him, but it’s usually about Drake because you said you liked a Drake song once, and he always brings that up. He wears very clean, very white Air Force One’s. He responds to every idea with “I could see that.” He’s a money guy, so he really just translates ideas to dollars as you’re saying them. He has never seen a movie with a female protagonist except “In Her Shoes” with his mom.
Look, I didn’t want to rank Jimmy this high on anything, but I think he’s a great coworker. He gets his work done. He’s fun on work trips. He remembers that you like a band and he checked them out, so now he’s into them, too. He’s said “My bad, you’re totally right!” to many women in the office, and is the only man to do that. He loves a Slack GIF. He’s brought his mom to the office. His desk is immaculate.
Brittany
Brittany is everything you’d want in a coworker: smart, dedicated, fun and not a robot. Her desk is full of flowers she bought for herself. She loves every trend. Taylor Swift? She went to the concert. Baggy jeans? She’s in ‘em. She has Invisalign and it’s charming to watch her take the trays out before she eats lunch.
AD
AD is a fucking gem. She’s definitely the girl who will talk shit on a coffee walk with you, while also standing up for you in a meeting when someone is being too harsh about you screwing something up. AD has a really clean desk area with a plant. She’s higher up than you but doesn’t act like it. She dated a coworker on the low who still works with you guys. It ended poorly, but she keeps her head up, despite him being atrocious about it. She turned up at the company Christmas party last year, but in a cool way.
This was hilarious 🤣 and spot on