🛳️🤙 On Cruise Control 🛳️🤙
How cruises melt your brain in the best way. Ahoy!
I do not have to be sold on a cruise. Cruises are in my blood. Not like my dad was a captain and my mother a pirate’s wench (though my dad did drive a train and my mom drove a school bus? They both honk honked and beep beeped their way to retirement). But, all major cruise lines are just my hometown of Reno, Nevada on a ship. I’ve been on two cruises and never once was confused. I walked on, saw my badly tattooed, already sunburned brethren and knew I was home.
That being said, my brain does regress while at sea. I think land holds a lot of stimuli that triggers my brain to make good decisions and remember my Gmail password and stuff. But at sea? None of that exists. And none of it matters.
Here’s a lil seafarer log from my recent voyage to Mexico with on the relaxing cruise that Jake and his family graciously took me on.1
DAY 1: WET BRAIN
Jake and I board before his family does and are escorted to Jamie’s Italian Restaurant, where we learn that this will be our emergency meeting place if we (extremely offensive Italian accent) start’a lose-a control-a! I watch a safety video that tells me that, no matter what, the staff will know what to do. I immediately hear a person ask a staff member something, to which he responds “I don’t know.”
We meet up with Jake’s family. We are wearing variations of boat-adjacent attire that we only wear on vacation.
After we meet up with the family, we decide to do one of the main activities the cruise offers: napping. We go to our room where I discover my water bottle was not closed when I put it in my bag a few minutes prior, and has—within seconds—fried my laptop. Okay! Guess I am fully disconnected, both in brain and electronics. I snooze it off because my laptop and I both cannot process land problems right now.
Once we awake, Jake and I explore the ship and I pay $4.50 for a Coke Zero. This is where cruises and Reno start to diverge: sodas do not cost nearly $5. I will not be paying this. And I will not be giving up diet Coca-Cola products. This will not stand. I will find a way to make my ancestors proud.
At Boleros Latin Club, I order a typical Latin beverage: a non-alcoholic IPA. Jake’s brother looks at me in disgust and goes “Why would anyone order that?” It is because I am a beer snob (one of my most toxic traits) and haven’t drank a Budweiser, Bud Light, Heineken or Michelob Ultra (the cruise’s only alcoholic beers) since I was old enough to drink. I realize that if I’m going to make any friends or have any fun, I need to drop any sense of snobbery on this cruise. No matter who we are on land, we’re all going to Jamie’s Italian Restaurant if shit goes down. I can’t risk missing out on a life raftioli because the bartender I turned my nose up turns out to be the head of safety. I make a promise with myself to be more cruise compliant.
I see a Coca-Cola Freestyle machine. An oasis! I bring one of the cups from the cafe where we allowed to eat for free and prepare to be rewarded with freshly carbonated Diet Coke, when my cup doesn’t work. As I’m holding up the line, someone behind me says “You need The Cup. It has a chip.”
I turn around and see she is holding a large Royal Caribbean branded cup with a chip in the bottom that tells the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine that it’s worthy. Just as I was trying to equalize myself with the other cruisers, I realize: we are not all equal. Some of us have paid to have The Cup. I saunter away, sad to have not achieved enough in life to have The Cup.
We have dinner in the main dining room, which Jake’s mom says is decorated for old people (Note for Reno people: it’s big Peppermill before the remodel vibes). We meet our server, who will be serving us for every meal. We will find that he does a little gag every night where he gives us one menu to share, then once we all know our orders, he gives us the right amount of menus. He will never acknowledge this.
After dinner, we all venture to the theater to watch the nightly entertainment. It opens with our cruise director, Brian, doing…a really good set? His cruise humor is elevated because I don’t expect him to be funny at all. Brian is funny and stylish and ends up making me laugh more than the main comedian who does a lot of classic “dad snores like this, Gen Z sucks like this.” He says if we want to see his dirty set where kids will not be allowed, we can come back tomorrow at 11pm. Even at sea, 11pm is too crazy of a time for events to start for me.
Somehow I am always tired on the cruise. I don’t know if everything is overstimulating or my brain adopts the idea that I am powering the ship like a nautical Fred Flintstone, but either way, I am ready for bed.
DAY 2: THE CUP
I wake up to a beautiful view outside of our window:
Jake and I agree that this is one of the best parts of the cruise. Just waking up literally on the water, drinking coffee and eating Fruit Loops.
Once we leave the room, we notice our next door neighbor has decorated her door and there is nothing sweeter than this.
Everywhere you go on the cruise, there’s a soundtrack playing of hot 100 pop tunes that are inoffensive. We hear “Dynamite” by BTS a lot. Everything is upbeat and nothing hurts. When you’re cruisin’, you’re never broodin’, as they say.
We’re on the ship all day today as we make our way to Cabo. We go to a stretch class with Jake’s parents and uh, it’s really hard to exercise while on a moving vessel. I feel like I’m doing a sobriety test (and though 9:30am is a perfectly fine time to start drinking at sea, I am sober). I’m a little woozy a few times and have to remain in child’s pose for longer than instructed. After this fairly easy class, it’s back to bed for me.
When I awake, Jake and I take a walk on the top deck and what does Jake spot?! An unattended The Cup. Before I can snatch it, a group of not-boys-not-quite-men get it. I say a little too loud “Aw man. I wanted that The Cup. I don’t have one and would really like one!” One of the not-quite-men turns back and gives it to me, saying he has so many, he could start selling them. The Cup truly is the emblem of the upper crust on this boat.
To sanitize my The Cup, I use a tissue with hand sanitizer and go to town. There are hand sanitizer stations all over the ship. Before you walk into the biggest buffet onboard, there’s a station to wash your hands where songs about washing your hands play and a crew member will say “Washy washy!” to you. It’s as if every one of these stations is saying “COVID? Doesn’t exist here, sweetie! Just keep washy and washy and we’ll all be fine!”
At one point, I overhear a couple say they got Norovirus on a different cruise. They thought they were just really hungover (classic cruise life), but then realized this was more intense. When they went to the medical station on the ship, the physician told them in a stern tone: “Go back to your room. We’ll bring you unseasoned chicken and water whenever you want, on us. We’ll comp this cruise. Don’t come back out until you have no symptoms.” It’s both so shady, yet kinda luxurious. Should I get Norovirus?!
I decide against it and try out my new, sanitized The Cup on the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine. I walk up with the swagger of elitism. I greet my fellow aristocrats. I confidently select “Diet Coke” and hold The Cup to the nozzle. Nothing. I am again holding up a line. A child behind me says “Ugh. These machines never work.” You scrape and steal your way to the top, and for what? I can only get Cherry Coke to work. I am immediately sad. I report all of this back to Jake’s mom with a fervor and I can tell she is worried about me.
To cure that, her and I go to a Women Winemakers Wine Tasting. It is led by a man, which is weird. But they do regular pours of each of the eight wines, which is great. After eight glasses, I am really 🤙 feeling the motion of the ocean 🤙 and return to my bedroom to—say it with me—take a nap.
I wake up just in time for dinner. It’s formal night, so Jake and I put on fancy clothes, only to take them off right after dinner and change into sweats for our 9:45pm couples’ massage. My massage therapist interviews me before the massage and tells me I should be getting a massage every three days. Yeah, I agree, but my wallet don’t, babe.
The massage is very scalp forward, which I love. Jake receives a free eye treatment upgrade and I am so happy for him. He has gamed the system just like I did with The Cup. Both of our massage therapists encourage us to come back in three days. I laugh politely in that way that says yes, but no.
DAY 3: CABO NIGHTS
We’ve reached Cabo! Jake’s mom has signed all of us up for an excursion called “Cabo Nights,” (one night) where we will taste tequila and eat tacos. I am very excited to eat Mexican food. The ship has attempted what they refer to as “A Taste of Mexico” with a few different dishes, and it maybe should have just been called “This Has a Tortilla.”
When we step onto Cabo grounds, we have some free time, where Jake and I check out the local art:
We also go to an outdoor bar with swings and sip Coronas.
We then head over to our destination for Cabo Nights, which is a Michelin Star restaurant called Metate. We sip delicious tequila and mezcal and I try a tamarind margarita with light-up ice. The tacos are unsurprisingly delicious and it is the best meal on the trip. I am yum.
When we arrive back on the ship, we are ready to dance. Jake and I do karaoke. He does “Bar Song” by Shaboozey and the people love it. I do “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind because our ship is called Ovation of the Seas and I scream it out when the line “She lives for me, says she lives for me/Ovation of the seas!, her own motivation/She comes round and she goes down on me.” I run out of breath after this and we head to bed.
DAY 4: TOURISM’S A BEACH
Jake and I signed up for an excursion in Cabo called “Beach Break,” that took us to Veleros Beach Club, which is a private beach and restaurant. Luxe.
On the way from the port to Veleros, our tour guide pointed out “fun sights” like a business park and said “There’s a meeting probably going on there,” then pointed out a cemetery and said “That’s my second home!” He also let us know that a lot of the houses we saw were probably going to fall into the ocean soon. Okay!
After the fun facts, we arrived at the beach club and because I was on land, I quickly reverted to being a beer snob and ordered a craft brew.
We drank, ate and swam.
After we got back on the boat and succumbed to buying $9 toothpaste, the word on the ship was that Cruise Director Brian was going to be hosting something called “Crazy Quest” at 10pm that evening. Over the loudspeaker, Cruise Director Brian described this as the “dirtiest, most memorable part of the trip.” Jake and I were in, as we love dirty memories.
When we arrived, it was clear Cruise Director Brian was 🤙 off the clock 🤙. He wasn’t wearing a tailored suit or his glasses! Instead, he was wearing a black tee and a chain with a cross (for God?!).
Crazy Quest turned out to be a scavenger hunt for the audience. We split into four teams (meaning we sat somewhere and Brian said our quadrant was Team 4). It started out innocuous enough. Cruise Director Brian would say “Gimme an ID with the name David!” and our team captain who was all of 22 years old would yell and scream for the ID and we’d get points if we had it. The “dirty” part was when Cruise Director Brian called for things like the “the biggest bra not being worn,” and “20 men’s pants.” He then had all of those men come up and can-can. Cruise Director Brian, you dog!
The Cupdate: I found out if you pressed really hard on the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine, any soda would come out. So, if you scrape and you steal and you push hard enough, you can achieve total equality.
DAY 5: THE 5-DAY ITCH
Tensions are beginning to rise.
This is the day that my fellow cruisers began to really question reality. It was another day we spent entirely on the ship while sailing to Ensenada. Immediately upon getting onto the (often slow and crowded) elevator in the morning, an older man said under his breath “Every. Fucking. Floor.” He kept saying those things that dads say like “Are you fucking serious?” and “I’m gonna write a book about this.” But, the elevators are small and we could all hear him. And we accepted him as our elevator dad.
One of the big attractions of the ship was the Bionic Bar, a bar operated by robotic arms. We stepped up to watch this robot take yet another job, and were delighted when it not only needed a human to operate, but full-on failed. Is it schadenfreude if it’s a machine?
We hear some people talking about how, since they retired, they’re usually on a cruise for nine months out of the year. That feels like living in a total simulation (cruise) inside of a debated simulation (this life). That reminds me of this guy (probably from Reno) who told me took so much ecstasy that he couldn’t feel happiness for like two months. Cruising for that long would make me go full The Cup-obsessed and I’d be the person like “On deck two, they got free beads!” I cannot go majority year cruiser as a retiree.
I eat cocktail shrimp (obviously) at dinner and the family decides to go to the magic show that evening. During the show, the magician asks for a volunteer and a cruiser who identifies himself as Big Willie gets on stage. After a very long trick of hiding and destroying Big Willie’s $100 bill, Big Willie is stunned by magic as he gets his exact bill back. Later, we see Big Willie at the bar and he is greeted by a group of not-quite-men and us yelling “Big Willie!” at him. I love this dynamic of how certain people who get called up onstage during the shows become local celebrities. There is a woman named Lori who won a Couples Trivia game with her husband, and every time Jake sees her, he whispers to me “There’s Lori!” And we never approach her because we are in awe.
We get into the elevator to retire to our room, and a man with his son looks at us and says “Do you think six days is too long?”
DAY 6: THE LAST DANCE
We wake up to a message on our room’s phone. Could it be from Big Willie?!
Instead it is from guest services:
”Hello, this is guest services. Our cleaning staff reported that you had a toilet obstruction in your room and you will be charged $100 and…What?! Oh! This isn’t for you guys, this is for the room next door. I am so sorry.”
We are delighted, both to not be charged $100, and to have a new term for bathroom sickness of “toilet obstruction.” I just hope Ruthie is okay.
It’s our final full day on the cruise and we are signed up to take a hike in Ensenada followed by a brewery stop. At first, I was a little wary of having our big hike be on the last day of the cruise, but it feels nice to have an activity that isn’t walking back and forth from the soft serve machine to the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine.
Our tour guide and lead hiker, Andres, spends less time telling us about the doomed history of the community and more time telling us cool places to hang out. He tells us he’s an artist and later we tell him we are too. He lights up and shows us his sculpture Instagram and we all follow each other.
The hike is not terribly hard and it’s beautiful. Our group is also easy going, and Andres thanks us all several times for being “good hikers.” He also tells us a funny story about how he said “Want to see a baby snake?” to a tour once, and at that moment he bent down to get the snake, his pants split. He should really do cruise comedy.
After the hike, we head to the brewery where I can be a big beer snob. Andres recommends a few and I am spoiled with choices. He then tells us that the owner is American and I feel a little less cultured.
Once back on the ship, we shower and head to our last dinner. Our waiter who has been pranking us by only bringing one menu takes part in a staff-wide dance for the second night in a row. He does the Macarena, the Chicken Dance all while begging us to swing our napkins above our head. We are tired, but we do it for our boy.
Jake and I go see one last show: “Live, Love Legs.” It’s moving sets, sexy dancers and pop hits and it’s much more impressive than we thought it would be. Cruise Director Brian comes out on last time and blows the staff a kiss to send them off and we sail back into Long Beach’s port.2
They did the cruise because they’re all turning a milestone age this year: his brother’s 30, Jake’s 40 and his parents are 70. Isn’t that cute and coordinated?
I know you’re wondering and I left The Cup onboard. Some loves are just meant to be flings.
👏👏👏