Ranking the Mormon Wives From Worst Coworker to Best Coworker
Can Momtok survive corporate America? Probably not!
The media about Salt Lake City is the most exciting thing about the city itself. Real Housewives, Sold on SLC, and of course The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives have really spiced up this chicken without seasoning city, and I am here for it. Though there are moments of The Secret Lives… that truly make me want to crawl out of my skin (i.e. Taylor Frankie Paul’s stepdad telling her that her baby daddy wouldn’t have cheated on her if she hadn’t slept with him so quickly, and also that TFP’s mom got TFP’S LITERAL FACE SURGICALLY ATTACHED TO HER), there are also parts that are just truly fascinating (i.e. doing ketamine is considered a Book of Mormon grey area, so it’s totally fine, but divorce from an abusive man is big bad). I thought about all the “consequential” things to write about, but honestly, it all comes back to my classic central question: which of these girlies would I want to share a cubicle with?
I previously did this exercise with the season 6 cast of Love is Blind. Rereading this was like trying to remember my family after I’d been lobotomized. What is a Jeramey?! Did I ever know an AD?! I’ve been trying to coin a new phrase and it’s BOFL (Best of fucking luck!), and that’s what I say to all these folks. They seem nice from what I wrote.
I think that the Mormon Wives will have maybe 10-15 seconds more of relevance than the S6 Love is Blind crew, which is why we need to decide what kind of coworkers they’d be. We’ve met some version of all of these women (probably in high school? Because that what it seems they’re all frozen in?) and I can’t help but wonder: would any of them get an assignment done by EOD? Or would their ROI be less than zero?
Let’s rank from worst to best!
Mikayla
Mikayla is actually really good at her job, which sucks because then she’ll never get fired. She has never laughed. Like, you have never seen her find something amusing. One time, you were eating lunch and she said “So, do you eat tomatoes a lot?” and it made you rethink your whole life. She once sent you an email that started “Because this has come up a few times, I thought I’d just remind you..” It’s the only email she’s ever sent you. The candle on her desk is labeled “haystack.”
Demi
Demi is hard to work with because she looks just like Jessi, but then you remember Jessi has blue eyes. Demi’s traits include being late and filing a harassment claim after your manager said her cutoff top wasn’t appropriate for a client meeting. She once asked you if all Democrats are “a little gay” and come from broken homes. You called her “Demicrat” once on Slack and you got a call from her lawyer.
Layla
Layla is fun because she is always down to talk shit about anyone in the office, but then you realize she is definitely doing that about you when you’re not around. She is always taking calls—not texts, calls—from her boyfriend at her desk and now you know they’re in a “Fast & Furious” kick at home (tonight they’re watching “Fast Five”). You ask her what day timesheets are due this week since there’s a holiday and she tells you she’s never once turned in her timesheet, so she has no idea.
Whitney
You’re either complaining all week about Whitney or she’s your best friend. It really depends on her mood. You once spoke up in a meeting and she said she was going to back you up, but she didn’t. That day she also told you that if you were ever wanting to do something about your crow’s feet, she knew someone. Then again, she also covered for you when you forgot to do something on a big deadline and told you that you’re the most fun person in the office, so you don’t know what to think. She wears onesies to work kind of regularly. She once let it slip that her and her husband are furries.
Jen
Jen’s desk is immaculate and her handwriting looks like a font. Tbd if she’s good at her job, but she really puts out those vibes. Like Mikayla, you have never seen her laugh, but you bet she does it at home. You got drunk at the company picnic and told her she looks like Roxanne from “A Goofy Movie” and unfortunately she did not take that as the compliment you were intending, so you have been on her shit list ever since. When someone in the office put Tajin on their watermelon, she said “Oooh shit, sista” and you could tell she really thought she was relating at that moment. She is wildly good at Excel.
Taylor
Taylor is so bad at her job, but in a way that soothes you. Like a sibling that’s always getting into trouble so the heat is never on you. She hates your boss and is always yelling about or at him. You think this is great because he does kind of suck and once got handsy at a Christmas party, so go off, Tay. She met a guy friend of yours once and said “Damn, I didn’t know they made them nice,” and it broke your heart. Her desk is a mess of pictures of her kids, fruit snacks and hair. She offered you coke when you all went out for happy hour once and, though you declined, you thought it was a sweet gesture.
Jessi
Jessi is always down to pitch in on a project and talk shit while doing it. Her lunches are homemade, but look like they’re from Erewhon. She goes out with your boss regularly for their 1-1’s, then lets you know what you can do so he likes you more. When you told her your mom died, she immediately got down and started praying. She can tie a cherry stem with her tongue and has told you no less than five times that’s how she got her husband.
Mayci
Mayci is amazing at her job and leads the mentorship program. She never went to college and volunteers in schools to let kids know that they don’t need college to succeed. It’s all very admirable, but there isn’t a lot else going on. You once asked her what TV shows she likes to watch and she said “Mmm, television…maybe Jeopardy?” and you thought she might be a bot that your boss created. She does kick ass at trivia, though, and won you and your team gift cards to Mendocino Farms.
Miranda
When your boss told you they were hiring someone almost ten years younger than you to work alongside you, you were pissed. But then Miranda came along and she was a pleasure to have in class. She gave you a friendship bracelet when she got back from Eras Tour and said she always felt like you had a “light within.” She was also your Secret Santa and got you all your favorite candies—just by guessing! Her home life is a mess, and you know it’s her crying in the bathroom during lunch, but you once told her “Just pretend this never happened. It’ll shock you how much this never happened.” She didn’t know that was from “Mad Men,” so she thinks you’re a god.
This was such a fun read
omg she does look like Roxanne