To All the Therapists I've Loved Before
I hope some of you are no longer practicing
I started going to therapy by accident when I was 18. I’m pretty sure I thought “therapist” and “guidance counselor” were fairly interchangeable. I didn’t know what I was going to major in, or minor in, or what to do with my life, so I thought I’d ask someone else to give it a whirl. My university offered counseling sessions for free, so I signed up. I didn’t realize that this was a life changing journey I was embarking on. Probably because not every therapist was particularly life changing.
These are all the therapists that I’ve had (that I can remember). These are not their real names. In some cases, it's because I can't remember them (sorry). In others, it's because I don't know whether the whole patient-doctor thing goes both ways, so I'm not pushing it.
Becky
Becky actually was more of a guidance counselor. I remember telling her that I didn’t know what career I wanted to pursue and she asked me my interests. After I said I liked music, she said I should play an instrument. I told her I always wanted to play the drums, and then she signed me up for drum lessons. I imagine she did a clap of her hands and said “Problem solved!” and sent me on my way. In 2024, this would be like when all the thumbs up emojis blow up on the screen during a Zoom meeting for no reason.
Louise
Louise looked like when Jessica Biel wears glasses to create an air of intelligence for a role.
This is how AI interpreted that. It’s JUST CLOSE enough, but it’s still off.
Unlike Becky, she had real psychology-based tactics. Or, tactic, I should say. She really wanted me to fall in love with mindfulness therapy. Each session, Louise would start by having me close my eyes, focus on my breath and describe my physical sensations. I was still very early into college, so it was a lot of me avoiding talking about how hungover or hungry I was.
Because "depressed" was the word I landed on most often after "hungover" and "hungry," Louise gave me a heads up that I might be suffering from depression. Louise was really set on the idea that we could cure all this with mindfulness, which is cute, but not possible. She also always forgot my boyfriend’s name, which made me think she was a bit too in the moment and maybe should have practiced a little less "being there" and a little more memory recall.
Louise once told me “Some days, tell yourself ‘all I have to do today is fold the laundry.’ You’d be surprised at what else you’ll get done.” I keep that in mind on hard days.
Brooke
Brooke was the first therapist that I think really got through to me. She’s also probably the first that I told anything of worth to. Or, of therapeutic worth. I know I was the next Travis Barker to Becky and I told Louise about the tingles in my feet, but I wasn’t being vulnerable until my third therapist.
Brooke also suggested that I might have depression and anxiety. I told her “Louise suggested that, too. But I think I might just drink too much?” Then Brooke hit me with “You might drink too much because you have depression and anxiety.” This was huge news to me at the time. I didn’t know people drank too much for other reasons besides “fun” or “genes” or “fun genes,” as some families call them.
Like most romantic relationships I had at the time, once we got too close, I didn’t want to see Brooke anymore. I dropped her not long after I started telling her the most vulnerable things about me. I don’t remember seeing another therapist until I moved to San Francisco, which meant I was chugging life with no licensed professional chaser for, like, three years.
During this time, I started doing improv and standup, which is like therapy except you’re making the audience do it instead of a professional, so they sometimes call you a bitch.
Trisha
Every therapist I saw in Reno was actually a grad student training to become a therapist one day. I knew that at the time, but since it was my first brush with therapy, I really didn’t know what I was missing.
When I moved to San Francisco, I got a “real” therapist and it was real expensive. My insurance covered some, but Trisha still cost me a lot. That being said, Trisha was very good. She remembered my boyfriend’s name and everything!
That particular boyfriend was a very tricky situation, as I was slowly starting to figure out he was a drug addict. Trisha was great at helping me work through how to navigate a relationship with an addict, and the choices that have to be made (like how I chose to stay with him and help him through his addiction, and he chose to dump me and sleep with the neighbor).
Trisha’s one quirk was that she had a side business where she sold seminars on body positivity. It’s not that I hate body positivity, but it would seep into our sessions at what I thought were not the most body positivity demanding moments:
Trisha: Your boyfriend is a drug addict?
Sam: Yeah, I’m like 90% sure.
Trisha: And do you think this has to do with his body dysmorphia?
Sam: I mean, he has lost a lot of weight.
Trisha: Because of societal demands?
Sam: No, I think it’s because of the drugs.
But, she mostly got it right, one time she called an ex-friend of mine “batshit,” which I appreciated.
She was also a children’s therapist and had building blocks and the tilt-a-whirl circle-o thing. So, when I was telling her about hard times in my life, I could sometimes make eye contact with a cow that had exaggeratedly happy eyes.
I ended things with Trisha because I could not afford her anymore after her prices went up for a third time in the two years we saw each other.
Linda
I took a break from therapy, had something horrendo happen and then sought it out again. I don’t recommend this approach, as therapy is meant to be a support system that you can build on and grow with, not as an emergency option. But, in our country, emergencies and therapy are both wildly unaffordable without good insurance or millions of dollars. So, I was used to waiting for something earth shattering to happen before I spent money on therapy.
Linda should not be a part of any country’s system supporting any person.
Upon meeting Linda and telling her some things had gone down in my family, she immediately took the side of someone who was not me and had not sought her out to pay for her services. Linda said “You should give that person a break. They seem like they’re trying things out!”
I won’t get too specific, but it wasn’t like someone in my family had gotten a septum piercing and I thought it looked weird. There was big family unrest! I needed someone to talk me through it, not say people were “trying things out.”
I also had mentioned my two brothers a few times, and at one point she said “well, since you don’t have any siblings...” I replied “I don’t think you’re listening to me. I actually don’t think this will be a good match and I’d like to leave.” She said “Give it a second, I can help you,” like she was channeling one of my dead ancestors, and if I just gave her five more minutes and a couple hundred dollars, she could use a crystal to make them appear. I started looking around her office for a window, and she said “You like my bookshelves? Take a look! Enjoy them!”
I said "I'm all set" and gave her my credit card, but she only took cash. So, I went and got $100 from an ATM while trash talking her on the phone with my friend Mark. Mark was horrified, as he has a master’s degree in psychology and could not imagine someone doing this. He also teaches psychology and names his lectures like this, so you know he knows what he’s talking about.
I slipped the money under Linda’s office door to avoid any future spells she might cast.
Ani
I started seeing a therapist in Alameda, which was fun because I got to go over a bridge. It was like I was taking a bridge from depressing land into land of milk and cookies. I say this because Ani, my therapist who looked like Ani DiFranco, offered me cookies at the beginning of each session. It was so dependable that I full on Pavlov’d out when she stopped doing it:
Ani: So, what do you want to talk about today?
Sam: Sorry, before I get started on that, where are the cookies?
Ani: Sorry?
Sam: You had chocolate chip cookies at the beginning of each session? I liked it?
Ani: I’m trying to cut down on sugar.
Sam: Oh.
Ani: Anything else on your mind?
Sam: Honestly give me a sec to process the cookie thing.
Later, I would think about how it was kind of weird that she started every session by offering me a cookie. I ended things shortly after the cookies disappeared because I realized I hadn’t liked much of what she’d offered by way of therapy. It was probably a year that I stayed with Ani because of the cookies, which you could purchase at the bakery below her office. I know because I did buy them that the day she told me was cutting back on sugar. A very “stayed because the sex was good even though I hated the sound of their voice” type of situation.
Sally
When I moved to LA, I got a therapist whose real name was quite close to what my name is. When I shared insights she had shared with me, it kind of sounded like I had become the wind beneath my own wings and was inspiring myself. I think people thought I was just really embracing the LA lifestyle.
Sally started off pretty sweet. She was a valley girl, and I found that endearing. She also told me when I got engaged that if I needed any help planning a wedding, I should hit her up, since she was Jewish and has planned a lot of Jewish weddings, so she was qualified.
Unfortunately, the pandemic really took its toll on us. In addition to having almost the same name, Sally and I both had people close to us die in 2020. It was a real “who watches the Watchmen,” situation, as I desperately needed to talk to her as I was grieving, but she kept canceling on me last minute because she was, I assume, also grieving.
It’s funny when you zoom out and realize that your life-changing revelations (like “I have depression” or “my dog is probably dreaming of me and that’s very cute”) is someone else’s 9-5, and that they might also need to call in sick to you every once in awhile.
Sally called in sick a lot. HR would have questions, for sure. Ultimately, I had to find someone who could be more present. I hope she’s doing well.
Jenny
Jenny is my current therapist, and she is such a gem. She remembers everything. She makes really amazing observations. She’s gentle, but she’s real, and I can be real with her. She never bullshits me, but is so tender at the same time. Yes, she laughs at my jokes and that’s very fun, but she is also fantastic at what she does.
Jenny sometimes makes me feel like I’m delivering really spicy gossip, which I didn’t know I needed in a therapist. It’s strangely validating. One time I was also like “Oh, hey. Crazy update about [old friend].” And she said “Oh my god, I was just thinking about them! What are they up to?” Like we all used to drink 40s together in high school.
Nadia
I always wanted to do couples therapy because of how much I appreciated doing solo therapy, but felt if I suggested it to Jake, he’d think I was saying something was wrong with our relationship.1 To my surprise and delight, Jake suggested we do couples therapy right before we got married just so we could build a foundation for communication and have a place to discuss our relationship.
Nadia is our couples therapist and she is incredible. She was recommended by a friend and I have since recommended her to other friends of mine. She has never once even let on a hint of judgment, and she doesn’t ever take sides. She is everything you’d want in a couples therapist.
I cannot stress enough to not do this, but one time I looked up Nadia on Facebook. It turns out Nadia and I have one mutual friend: a guy I hooked up with. I have this self-sabotaging fantasy of ending one of our sessions with the three of us by saying, “Nadia, get this. I actually hooked up with [mutual friend]! Isn’t that fucking wild? Do you have any dirt on him?! Did you hook with him?! Oh my god! Spit sisters! Did you know he’s actually very wealthy but lies because he thinks it looks chic?”
But therapy has taught me that’s not good for anyone, and for that I am grateful.
This is the big stigma with couples therapy that I’d like to dismantle. Just my two cents: if you’re going to a couples therapist to prove one of you is right or the victim, it’s not going to be effective. Instead, I think that if you really like someone and plan on being together for awhile, couples therapy is a cool way to maintain and improve the health of your relationship. Yes, it’s also good to discuss fights and grievances, but it only works during those moments because you’re operating on the idea that you already love and respect each other and this isn’t a last resort.
Again, this is a luxury that our country doesn’t prioritize, but if you have the access and you love your partner, I’d recommend couples therapy. Specifically, my couples therapist. DM me for details!!