From My Old Ass to My Young Ass

Advice I'd give my 18-year-old self

I watched My Old Ass at the Hollywood Forever cemetery (it was cool! Aubrey Plaza showed up!) The premise is that 18-year-old Elliot (Maisy Stella) takes mushrooms and meets her future self (Aubrey Plaza—who does not look like Maisy Stella at all). Young Elliot asks Old Elliot for advice and probes into “what are we like now?”

I would think they were 5th cousins at best.

It’s fun, but there is an inherent darkness Old Elliot is holding back. The only bad part of the movie is what that darkness is.¹ Everything else is what I love about coming of age movies: an excuse to think of when you were younger and have a little compassion for that person.

Thinking about what I’d tell my 18-year-old self was hard. It’s hard to be prescriptive or hard on a person who is only a few years removed from puberty. Like, yes, I fucked some things up, but to be 18-33 is to fuck up, right? (Not like at age 34, where I am the epitome of togetherness and grace). Most of my therapy has basically been about letting shit go—including chastising my past self because I wasn’t perfect. So, most of what I’d tell my 18-year-old self, I’d still tell myself now.

I assume I encounter 18-year-old me at this spot called Dinosaur City. I remember it was so hard to find that, every time I went, I had to refer to the directions I’d written down from a MySpace message. I could never find it for you now, and my memory of it is hazy. I believe it was a cliffside that had dinosaur drawings on it with a cool view of Reno. I think you were supposed to go there to make out, but my friends and I just went to hang. We were also probably on mushrooms. Here’s what I’d say:

---

First of all: babe, unclench! Hallucinogenics are supposed to be fun! You’re only having a bad time because you’re worried you’re having a bad time. You’re not going to die, I promise. The point of these experiences it to let go and do it for you, not against you. Just put on music and lay down. Look at a star. Touch a rock.

Okay, now that we’re in a good space, I just want to let you know a few things. Nothing scary! Again, unclench! You should get a night guard, though. It won’t be your first. You’re going to grind through so many of those.

Let’s get serious for a sec:

Your instincts are better than you give yourself credit for. If you think something or someone is not right for you, trust that. The full explanation of why might not be accessible to you in the moment. Know that the doubt is reason enough, but be gentle when you leave. Not everyone deserves scorched earth.

Except that one guy who does. You’ll meet him soon and I’m so sorry. Ruin him, baby girl. I’ll say this now, even though you’ll discard it for years: being older does not make men cooler or better suited for you.

Okay, yes, we are married and your husband is older than you but it’s a completely fine age difference! No, it wouldn’t be appropriate for you now, but that’s because like, no one is appropriate for 18-year-olds except other 18-year-olds. That being said, you should dump your high school boyfriend.

Our husband is very cool. He is artsy, fun and funny. Yes, of course he’s good-looking. Is he Jewish? Yes. That’s weird that you know you’re going to marry a Jewish guy. But, you’re right. No, he is not from Reno. Life is much bigger than Reno, babe.

That doesn’t stop you from having a lot of Reno relationships. Relationships do get deeper and better, but with that comes complexity. You’re going to love dating because you’re not nearly as awkward as you think you are right now. Just remember what I said about your instincts. Trust those. Just because he’s persistent doesn’t mean you have to give in. Oh, and sex is supposed to be fun. Have it with people you like. Seems simple, but you might forget that from time to time.

Friendship is going to bring you so much joy. But know that your friends will change. Like 90% of the people you know now are not in our life anymore. A few are, but they’re not who you think. Mysterious, right? You need some time to figure out how to be a good friend and how to find good friends. Some advice for finding them: good friends will be there for you and love who you are, not who they wish you were.

Some advice for being one: people are not out to get you! In fact, no one is thinking about you as much as you think. Know that most people’s intentions are pretty good.

Move out of Mom and Dad’s. Seriously: you can do it. What could your rent be, $300? We pay so much more now! Take advantage of the low price and move in with one of your friends. It will be better for everyone involved, and you all deserve a break from fighting. That way, you can make quality time with them a priority. You don’t know what’s coming and you can’t imagine. So, just make the time count.

Our career? We’re still figuring it out, but it gets better. You do a lot of cool things, I assure you. You don’t stay at the news station forever (but you do stay way longer than we had planned). You leave Reno and it’s the best decision you ever made, but you’ll always love it. However, don’t get that 775 tattoo in the slot machine font.

Whatever you want to do now, do it. You have so much time to fuck up, and it’s totally fine. “Making it” is in the eye of the beholder, and you will do it so many ways that aren’t what you think. You are very capable. Don’t let anyone—including yourself—tell you you aren’t.

Some quick hits before I turn into vapor:

1. Study abroad. We’re kind of weird about traveling now, so do it now so you get better at it.

2. Shots make us throw up now. That’s because you did too many. Drink some water.

3. Grow out your eyebrows. Don’t dye your hair blonde.

4. Be easy on your next car. We still have it. Watch out for poles, ice and gates.

5. You feel bad after breakfast because you’re allergic to eggs.

MOVIES

This is like the bizarro version of My Old Ass. It asks if you could live in harmony with your younger self as your older self. Disgust ensues. I have a hot take, but it’s mean. Ask me about it on a secure line.

SHOWS

Speaking of marrying a Jewish guy, I wanted to hate this because I hate the premise that is “Jews are so different from gentiles: can they even sustain a relationship?!” I’m on the third ep and it’s unfortunately very funny and cute. Also, I said out loud “Adam Brody would have chemistry with a paper bag,” which is the most mom thing I’ve said in awhile. He is so dreamy tho.

So funny, so fresh. GREAT soundtrack.

SONGS

1. **SPOILER**: Aubrey Plaza’s character Elliot tells her younger self not to talk to a guy named Chad. She ends up doing it anyway and Aubrey keeps telling her to stop. Young Elliot is all like “Why?! He’s so perfect!” And then Aubrey is like “Yes! He is! But, he’s going to die young and you’ll never get over it!”

I just think that is a bit melodramatic and unrealistic. I hate that he was, indeed, perfect because that is not something people can be. The friends I was with and I thought it’d be way more accurate if he just turned out to be some average-ass dude that you subconsciously compared everyone to forever. Or, if he was just emotionally abusive enough to affect all your future relationships, but not enough to write a memoir about. The writing was so solid that I just expected the ending to be a little less…easy, I guess.